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tv   At Midnight  Comedy Central  November 12, 2013 2:00am-2:31am PST

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(cheers and applause). >> stephen: that's it for "the
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>> it is 11:59 and 59 seconds. well myspace just changed its job status on facebook today. myspace announced massive layoffs cutting everyone but their top eight-- is that still a thing? comedians please write myspace's status update. >> don't feel sad for me. i'm going to see friends in heaven? just kidding, there is no god and your band suction. >> you can upload up to two pictures now! >> slowly. >> slowly. >> myspace will never die space #tag gunshot. >> brow. >> sad day but check out this new band the strokes. >> yes! it is time to start "@midnight."
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captioning sponsored by comedy central >> i'm chris hardwick. thank you for joining us. this is week four of our run and you guys have been fantastic. thank you for tuning in and sending in all your tweets to the "@midnight" account. i am showing you parts of the birnt that you never knew existed, some of don't even want to know existed. i'm a lorne, a rebel. tonight's comedians are: from the "judge john hodgman" podcast on maximumfun.org performing at neptune in seattle november 22, it's john hodgman. ( cheers and applause ) mr. hodgman! i was very pleads to see you jumped on the holiday band wagon changing your twitter name to john cranberry sauce. >> yes. someone ideal at me for continuing my halloween name too long. >> what! that are stupid. from "daily grace" on
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utiewrks it is grace helbig! ( cheers and applause ) >> you two juggernauts with over two million subscribers. >> hi. >> what's your favorite youtube comment you've ever received? >> that women be half minded. >> wait a minute. all women? >> yeah yeah. >> all women or half of women? >> it's didn'table. i don't know. what-- what other half women. >> if i had a full brain, i could answer that. ( laughter ) ( applause ) host of the "k ohle" podcast on the nerdist network, it's kurt braunohler. >> i'm here to kick some ass and take some names. >> where are you taking these names? >> i'm going to take them right
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away. i'll take them to give to myself and the first one i'm taking is john hodgman's name. i'm from john hodgman from now on. >> you just took john's name. >> di! it's a free for all. take whatever name you want. ripped from today's internet headlines it's "rapid refresh." makes me so happy in week four pleem prooem applauding the segments. the first couple of weeks it was "okay, i guess they're doing that now." it's nice you're involved. the first comedian to buzz in with the correct answer gets 100 points. professional racist and occasional football player richie incognito, is claiming that one of hiss alleged thread to martin was a reference to to an adorable dog meme. which of the following dog memes does incognito claim he is referencing? a, "wake? either way, we play or you die." b, "i cut a bitch if she cross me."
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c, "i will murder your whole ( bleep ) family. ( laughter ) yes, kurt. >> it's c. >> yes the correct answer is c! the correct answer is c. ( applause ) do you believe richie richie incognito's story that he was just referencing a meme? >> on the internet that's the nicest thing you can say. that's how i greeted you when i came in today and we love each other. >> yes, yes, yes, thank you for daelg tale me you were going to murder my whole ( bleep ) family. >> everyone knows it's a joke. you don't have a family. you're alone in the world. ( laughter ). >> can't hear what you're saying. i'm hypnotized by the curlicues on your mustache right now. >> each side has its own artisan pickle factory. moving on moving on. on last night's european music awards in amsterdam, during her acceptance speech, miley cyrus
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city where that's legal! >> i couldn't fit this award in my bag. but i did find this. so thank you, guys, very much. >> that's so edgy. >> it looks like she's at a green screen convention. ( laughter ) >> and she is alone in her bedroom? ( applause ). >> some of the finest green screen technology. what did she tweet about it the following morning? a, sometimes in life, you just gotta decide not to give a ( bleep ). which is what i think af stands for. >> that's why she's smoking weed! b, still high as ( bleep ). this "family guy" episode is faf lol.
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c, ima b me, all y'all h8z can s and d. ( laughter ) ( applause ) what did she tweet? yes, hodgman? >> i am going to say sometimes in life you have to decide just not to give a ( bleep ). >> yes! >> which hodgman says it it disw sound like a professor reading a book. >> it does! it seems that miley has zero ( bleep ) left to give. >> welcome to my seminar. >> it was the best of ( bleep ). it was the worst of ( bleep ). ( laughter ) ( applause ) viewers tweeted the "@midnight" account about miley cyrus which you are free to do. @khim 1982 tweeted "if miley cyrus wanted to shock us, she would have dressed up like an amish woman." >> just feel bad on monday she's got to go to school and no one
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will know who she really is. it is time for tonight's hashtag war! ( cheers and applause ) today is veterans day. if you are a vrn, thank you for service to our country. but that also-- ( applause ). >> yes, yes. that also means besides thanking and honoring veterans we watched action movie marathons on tv all day. with that in mind, tonight's hashtag is #suckyactionmovies. examples of these might be die soft. or hobo cop. or toyotathon man. you guys can play along at home by tweeting your #suckyactionmovies to the the "@midnight" twitter account. kurt. >> ironing man. >> point, points. >> the flirt locker! ( laughter ). >> points! yes, counter. >> the squirt locker.
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>> that's sucky and disturbing. points. yes hodgman. >> lee child's crank two high voltage. >> point, points kurt. >> the permnator. >> grace. >> bybye robot.>> oh, good-bye robot. >> it's a bisexual robot. >> i cannot decide i like ac and dc. ( laughter ) ( applause ). >> planet of the grapes. >> planet of the grapes would be a really sucky action movie. ♪ it was earth all along!" ♪ ♪. >> alien defends predator. >> very sweet. maybe not so sucky. grace last one. >> jaw! ( laughter ) ( applause ) well done! merry christmas oliver. >> the child has done well! the child has done well!
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>> who's got half a brain now mother ( bleep )! we'll be right back with more "@midnight." ( cheers and applause )
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( cheers and applause ) >> welcome tbook "@midnight." thank you soich for joining us again. it's time to play how tu-be. i really enjoy watching how too videos on youtube because i'm dumb and don't know how to do things and also because the people who make those don't know much about anything themselves, either. we're on equal ground. i'm going to show you the first few secondsave how to video and tell me the funny subject the video should be for if it's better than the video is actually for you get 250 points. two-third of the audience was like, we'll wait and see. i'm not sold yet. this is a new game, not ready to commit yet.
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here's the first one. this girl is walking on a dog on a treadmill, i think. yup. there it is. there she is. what should that be called kurt? >> how to create a convincing argument for the mass extinction of humanity. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> the actual title "dark underarms. how to get rid of them." >> that's the anal bleaching of underarms. >> points brow, points! >> how about this bro? >> this is a question most people struggle with. even i struggled with it at times and still struggle with. but there's a resourceful solution to it. yes grace. >> how to constantly search for your father's approval. ( laughter )
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( applause ) >> i have a very good good feeling about the points you're about to get. let's find out what the actual title is. "how to destroy self-doubt." that was accurate! point for being on the nose and points for being finney. as we jump to our next game it's time for stoned drunk or pregnant. i'm going to read a tweet with a hashtag. for 250 points, you have to tell me if the hashtag is #stoned #drunk, or #pregnant. i accidentally just took my shirt off and threw it away. yes, kurt. >> pregnant. pregnant, pregnant, pregnant. >> the answer is stoned, stoned. so no points. >> that's fine. the joke to me was worth it. >> pregnant is like being baby stoned, right? >> i said it was just like check
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out my belly! i don't need it anymore! ( bleep ) bored. i'm about to get wasted. grace. >> pregnant, drunk pregnant. ( laughter ) ( applause ). >> are you going with drunk or pregnant giknow, i'm going to go with the classy pregnant. >> yes fortunately, that's pregnant, getting wasted. well done. >> what! it's teen mom amber, right maybe? >> a whole new kind of amber alert. ( laughter ) don't let that woman drink with a baby in her body. >> there was already an amber van dorn. that means she was blockedded and had to make a new one. >> no no, no she got really pregnant one night and deleted her first account. ( applause ) i'm not sure what this next one
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mines mooens but i'm delighted by it. just an emotional ass moment. let that soak in. yes, kurt. >> stoapped. >> no, that is drunk. >> are you joking! >> very emotional-- >> like, i just had an emotional ass moment. ( laughter ). >> is that a uterus or is that a bird with giant balls? >> yes, i think-- ( laughter ) it is time for our first live challenge. ( cheers and applause ) >> this weekend, lady gaga wore a flying dress at her album launch party. there it is. >> yeah.
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>> does anyone kind of want to see her get sucked in and cut to ribbons? no, that would be terrible. the wearable flying contraption is called "volantis." comedians, what is the urban dictionary definition of what you think "volantis" is? we'll take a break and be back h moreith more
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( cheers and applause )
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>> welcome back to "@midnight." all right! before the break i showed you this flying dress that lady gaga wore because she's basically a puppy and needs your attention at all times or she will pea on the carpet. this dress is called the valentis. comedians what, is your urban dictionary definition of volantis. >> my wet dream of america's only gay air traffic controllers. ( laughter ) ( applause ) there's only one. >> john hodgman. >> what obama doesn't want you to know about the secret drone program. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> kurt braunohler. >> now da vinci status nightmare. >> i'm going to give 1000 to
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kurt braunohler. as we volantis our way to the next game. ( buzzing ). >> how is that a dress? it's just a platform she's standing on. >> i don't know. >> is everything a dress to lady gaga. my car dress. let me go in and go somewhere. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> all right you guys it is time for our final speed game. it's anyone's game at this point. it's time to play ask me anything. >> it was announced today there were massive layoffs at myspace. remember the beginning of the show. the bigger news is myspace is still around. a lot of people didn't know that. myspace is desperate to recover any kind of relevance so, comed wrans i am still a myspace user. ask me anything. i am still a myspace user, ask me anything. 60 seconds on the clock and go. kurt. >> is this tom?
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( laughter ) >> he's so frigging wealthy. points, yes. kurt. >> can i get myspace on my beeper? ( laughter ) ( applause ). >> a fair question points. grace? >> how tall is teala tequila? >> points, points. kurt. >> what's it like dating underaged girls? >> i'm uncomfortable with it but i'll allow it. points. hodgman. >> if you are being held hostage, type link twice. >> points, points. grace. >> why did you stop at only two lip rings? >> points. a fair question. kurt. >> don't tate me, bro. j.k., you probably haven't heard of that yet. >> point. >> whose space! whose space? >> no, i'm not going to give you point for that. take those points away. grace. >> have you been getting my pokes? >> points.
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and that's the end of "ask me anything." ( cheers and applause ) grace helbig has ripped into the front, kurt braunohler in second place. that means john, okay, we're going to have to eliminate you but can your mustache stay, please, please? do you have any last words? >> chris ti'm going i'm going to kill your whole ( bleep ) family. >> john hodgman everyone! follow @hodgman on twitter. he's leaving. you're not going anywhere! you have to stay and watch! that means it is time for our head-to-head face-off for the win. ( cheers and applause ) i love craigslist. i think we've all established it's awesome because you can find anything on it, living or dead. it's like a horder's space but with more cats. we found this ad today on craigslist. needed vengeance demon.
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i would like to employ a vengeance demon to do what they do best. details will be given upon background check and prove of geem dooemon identity. comedians, i would like to you please respond to this ad as an interested vengeance demon. we will get your answers and name a winner when we return "@midnight." ( applause )
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( cheers and applause ). >> welcome back to "@midnight." this is the moment you've been waiting for. it's time for, for the win. i'm going to wipe your scores clean wipe wipe, wipe, wipe, wipe, wipe. it comes down to this head-to-head challenge. i'm going to read your answers. the winner will be decide by you, the audience's laughter, whoever has the funniest answer will go home the winner. your challenge was to reply to the craigslist ad reading i would like to employ a vengeance demon to do what they do best. >> excuse me. i'm a vengeance demon. >> details will be given upon background check and proof of demon identity." i asked you to reply. and your replies cool, dude, not your life in the vacation rentals, but cool ad. ( laughter )
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